When you see that beautiful baby bump, and it hits you. I was just scrolling through my news feed. And boom. There it was. A sweet momma proudly showing off her new woven wrap she made for her baby to be.
It is not their fault. I have so much joy in my heart for them, it is just overshadowed by the devastation in my own life.
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When you surround yourself in all things baby. When your life is consumed and warmed by the name Mommy… losing your sweet angel too soon, is too much. When your whole life is tailored to accommodate this new arrival that is gone, never to be nursed, soothed, comforted….
Sometimes it just seems so unfair.
Bitterness is not a feeling I’m accustomed to. It is like putting on someone else’s ill fitting clothes. They feel dirty and I don’t want to wear them. I try to shake it off, but I keep finding myself in them again. Ugh! How did I get back here?!?!
Burying my head in my hands , I want to escape. No matter the love, the support… pain prevails and sorrow is all I know.
I turn to prayer. I remember that my sweet baby is still with me, and I ask her for prayers of peace. Amazingly, peace is granted almost instantly. Through this, I am reminded of not only her presence, but God’s. In this turmoil that consumes my mind, this is a miracle. Thank you God for breaking down this wall of fear and sadness and comforting me through this storm.
I see my son’s kindergarten handprint hanging on the door. He had some other really wonderful keepsakes from his first year in school. I know I have not treasured them the way I have other things. And it is because I treasure him. He is here. I don’t need these other symbols, because I have him… to hold, to kiss, to talk to.
I have this fear in me growing… like a cancer. This fear that I will lose them too; My sons. My husband. It eats at my soul. I am determined to not let the devil steal my joy. It is a hard fight, a battle. Saint Michael aid me in casting out the devil! Through Christ all things are possible.
I turn inward. I reflect on the lives of others and what their struggles might have been. I am not alone in this. Many have come before me and with stories much more tragic than mine. This is part of who I am now, and I will embrace it.